Hello World! Here I am, it's me Laura Lockwood!

Now is the best time to being doing this, writing my BLOG!
Hello World! Here I am, Laura Lockwood. That little chubby blond girl who never really fit in.

I wonder if all I went through as a young girl, into my preteens, onto teenage years and onto adulthood was God's way of showing me, teaching me and guiding me to this very point in my life now.  And you know what, honestly, I would not have changed a thing. 

The sadness I endured  when I was younger has brought me here with you today.  I stand before you stripped of all that hatred and anger within myself that left me feeling worthless.  No one would ever love me, let alone ever find that day that I would ever love myself. 

I truly and honestly believe that with all that has happened in the past, it has only helped me.  Some may find this hard to believe.  But I see now what it's all about.  How you take the good times with the bad times and it is all up to us to decide how and what we take from it all. 

I am so grateful today.  Grateful to have met all the loving, kindhearted, special people who have shown me nothing but honest to goodness LOVE.  I have always believed for the most part, people are good.  It may be sometimes a naive way of thinking.  I give people the benefit of the doubt.  That's just me.

I was brought up to care for people, to love them and be there.  Treat others as you would like to be treated.  Whenever possible, lending a helping hand.  Give of yourself and just be there when in need.  Family and friendships are very important and never take them for granted.

LOVE LIFE; LOVE YOURSELF; LOVE OTHERS
Be thankful for all your life's experiences, good and bad.
For they have made you who you are today.

THANK YOU!

What to do with the lemons

Our lives can be so unpredictable and you never know what may show up out of left field.  It's what we do with those curve balls, or lemons I like to call it that, that show our true colors.  Our perseverance to handle life's ups and downs.

To be honest, I see myself getting better in certain areas and then sometimes I can lose it.  I have been doing a lot of reading as far as "Self  Improvement" and reading a lot of different inspirational quotes.  So many of them have such meaning to me.  I am discovering a whole new world that I never realized existed before.  Mainly because I was just wrapped up in my own whirlwind.  A big part of it being, that I hated to read.  I never took the time out to just stop and listen.  Understand and comprehend.  This had always been an issue for me since back in elementary school.  The thought of reading anything was such a chore.

As you get older though, new life's experiences, different people we meet that come into our lives, begin to have a real impact on our way of thinking.  We kind of come into our own, so to speak.  And with that, we start to realize what we see, what we choose to believe, what we stand for and how we treat others.

But you never know, life is not always what we hope for it to be.  As time has gone on, I also realize that we are the creators of our own destiny.  We are in that driver's seat and we are in control.  We shall not blame others for the situations we are in.  I am here today knowing I have steered myself down some wrong paths and some right ones too.  What I have also learned is not to punish myself for those that were not in my best interest.  We cannot be strong all the time, every time in every situation.  How unrealistic to believe this.  The important thing is to learn from our mistakes, and next time think before we proceed.

Then there is the other end of the spectrum where so many of us worry about things for which we have no control over.  This type of behavior can manifest itself into someone who may be down and out, experiencing serious depression and their inner strength may be lost.  How do we show those people and make them understand that need not carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.  So much so that it has completely paralyzed them.  Those lemons which I described above are huge monstrous boulders for them.  They are slowly being crushed and suffocated and feel there is no way out. 

WE must be present in life, knowing we are all children of God and he is in all of us.  We look to him for our strength, we cry to him and pray.  Whether it may be the smallest of the small to the biggest and most grandest of situations.  There has got to be a way for those who are their lowest low to have the ability one day to stand tall and believe they are going to be okay.  And with help and guidance, they can get to that point where they can take those lemons that were thrown at them and know makes some lemonade.  :o)

Be the Change

Be the change you wish to see in this world.~Mahatma Gandhi

What a magnificent quote! Something had moved me from the very first day I saw it. I did not know much about Gandhi and didn't realize what a wonderful man he was promoting peace and leading India to independence.  Officially honored as the "Father of the Nation" in India. He was a Great Man and someone to be truly admired.

It really made me think about how we live our lives and how we are so quick to point fingers of the way things are in this world.  Good, bad or indifferent.  We must realize we have the ability to make a change; to be that change.  It is all within ourselves to make that difference.  We can complain all we want about the things we feel are unjust and unfair, but if we don't find it within ourselves to decide to be a part of making that change, then it is us who contribute to it's continuous existence.

So many of walk through life afraid.  Fearful of so many things, especially change.  Feeding into our fears just creates more and more.  Where we find at one point in life it has completely paralyzed us.  As my father has always said, " change is good".  Of course he was talking to the waiter or waitress at the restaurant when he would pay the bill and they would say, "Do you need change?" or "Would you like change?".  I still crack up to this day when I think about it, not realizing he was sending me a message at a very young age.  Change is GOOD!!!

This world is filled with a lot of bullshit.  Lots of misconceptions, misleading and many times manipulating.  Why feed into it?  We need to make a difference, especially for our children.  Teaching them that anything is possible, dreaming BIG is the only way to dream.  That in order to become the outstanding, loving and respectful citizens of this beautiful universe,  BE THAT CHANGE!!! Make an impact and inspire others.  Find beauty, love and inspiration in all that is around and believe that reaching for the stars is not just something they read in their storybooks when they were kids.  Belief in yourself is the foundation for which reaching for those stars is completely possible.  It will only help to shine their light and make it even brighter.

Forty plus and Fabulous

The title of this just jumped out at me. When you get to this age of 40 plus you kind of feel you have a new lease on life.  A feeling of wanting to do things you had always wanted to do but for some reason made some excuse not to.  Or be adventurous and conquer some fears.  Maybe para sailing or bungee jumping.  Get a tattoo or buy a new outfit that in the past you would have never had the nerve to wear. 

It is all about a new found freedom.  A new sense of self and possibly finding a new path in which to take.  For me it has become a journey of self discovery and spiritualism.  Creating a new self.  A transformation of sorts.  Like the caterpillar turning into the radiant and colorful butterfly.  Spreading her wings and ready to soar taking on the beauty all around her.

You realize that all that has come before are just life's lessons hopefully learned.  Practicing  with mind and heart the ways in which to handle different situations and not to overreact, create a frenzy and most importantly make sure that you don't allow life's challenges and curve balls to overwhelm you.  Overwhelmed into a state of being paralyzed.  Whereby  the enjoyment of the most simplest pleasures becomes non-existent.

Forty plus and Fabulous has been so wonderfully rewarding.  I am proud to tell my age and have people say to me, "Wow you look younger" or someone told me just recently, " You are aging gracefully".  That one was a first.  And I take them all proudly.  Honestly what I want most and I am sure all would agree is to be happy, healthy and be on that path of life where we are learning and growing.  Working at each and everyday to be the best we can be.  Never taking life for granted and being blessed for all that we are and what we are yet to become.

MID LIFE CRISIS OR EXTREME CURIOUSITY?

Do you ever feel like you are kind of lost in this world?  Or you get to a certain age and you look at where you have been, how far you have come and that there is so much more still out there yet to see, experience and be.  Am I in a "MID LIFE Crisis"?  I am at a point in my life where I feel myself constantly questioning things.  I had posed this question on my status post on Facebook.  With the intentions of reaching out to other ladies who are 40+ and just seeing if anyone else has experienced this.

I got one person's feedback so far.  Someone who understood similarly.  It seems we search through out our whole lives wondering can I be happy, do I want more, have I done enough, what else is out there for me.  So many things that at times will make yourself go crazy.   Where you really feel like you are going to lose it.

Each and everyone of us has stress in our lives and of course the main thing is how we deal with it.  How can we stay in control and not lose our mind with work, family, relationships, children, etc.?  The pressures of life can overwhelm any of us in a major way.  It takes a lifetime of learning how to deal with these stresses the best way we know how.

I am the type of person who at times can be a little out of control, I overact, and become very emotional.  Then I begin to over analyze, or let my emotions get the best of me..  Which then would lead to thinking, well maybe I deserve it.  Self-sabotage kicks in and then of course the main addiction of mine, FOOD!!!!  It is a vicious cycle which I have tried so damn hard to control.  I feel I have been doing so well staying in control. Knowing what I should and should not be doing.  And that is calming myself down, getting my head straight and not running to the refrigerator to shove something in my mouth to calm myself down.

Life can be so stifling at times.  But of course life is what we make of it.  It is how we control and handle everything that comes our way.  Being strong, confident, self-assured and self-worthy of all of life's goodness does help in the task at hand.  Then they are moments of weakness.  How can we be strong all the time? Reaching out for someone who you can talk to and share your thoughts and feelings is so important.  Some of us are lucky and blessed to have those people in our lives.  Which makes it all the more sweeter.

I just shake my head sometimes and wonder what the hell is going on.  What mistakes have I made?  Were those mistakes made for a reason to learn from them?  To become a better person? To grow and move on from it in hopes that those mistakes won't be made again?  Constantly questioning things, situations, people, can make you go a little stir crazy.  Honestly, the feeling of running away and getting away from it all sounds so appealing at times.  But then reality sets in really quick and you must deal with it and not run away.  Isn't that the "chicken" way out of it?  Nothing was ever solved from running away in hopes it would disappear on it's own.

I am adult now.  A 41 year old woman with a family and responsibilities.  But at times I kind of wish I was a kid again.  Not that it would make anything better, just that the realities of life as an adult can really stink.  And then when you get to that age of "MID LIFE", either in your 40's or 50's, you can't help but look at the whole picture and say what if.  That saying which I hear so quite often " The grass isn't always greener on the other side", is so true at times but you really can't help to think that if you never take that leap, how will you ever know.  You take your chances going into with full knowledge, good or bad you made that decision and you deal with it as such.  No regrets!!! Only LIVE AND LEARN!!!!

Am I really beautiful after all?

Mirror Mirror on the wall, what do I really see after all?  Is my beauty only seen and felt when I don't feel like a fat ugly monster?  Is that what I have told myself so many times in the past, that I would convince myself I wasn't worth a "hill of beans"?  The lies I would continue to tell myself so I would believe it was actually true.

Was it the outer beauty that would only make me feel worthy of anything, a conversation with someone, or any interest of what I had to say.  This is how bad it can be, that I would create in my mind.  It is what a lot of girls do especially at a very young age when they are most vulnerable and easy influenced.  Where feeling popular or "fitting in" is what young girls think is most important.  It is unfortunate that this distorted way of thinking carries out into adulthood.  But later on in life we get smarter or at least some do. We realize that if others don't like us for who we really are inside, it is completely their loss.  They are not worth our time.

There is no doubt in my mind, this type of behavior and way of thinking stems from earlier on in life.  I know that some of my past blogs had focused on the feelings of low self esteem, lack of self worth, which indeed I do believe comes from childhood.  And that it carries through into adulthood.  Some of us find ourselves in therapy,  dealing with all these issues and emotions we felt when in grammar school, junior high school and then into high school.   Our past and dealing with family issues.  It can paralyze us so badly.  It affects relationships with our families, friends and our love relationships. 

A woman at times will always find something, some flaw, some imperfection that stands in the way of what she actually is.  A beautiful feminine being.   Will I only feel that I am beautiful if I lose the amount of weight that I think makes me look beautiful?  How stupid is that??? What the hell is wrong with me!!?? What about the type of person I am?  What about what is in my heart and how I love?  Isn't that enough?  The desire in which to make others feel loved and feel special.  To know that I have made someone smile, made them laugh, made them understand they are a blessing in my life.  That is what true beauty is all about.  It's my spirit and letting my light shine brightly.  It's making an impact, inspiring others and being inspired.

It is about time I realize that I am really beautiful after all. 

Is Enough ever Enough

When you realize that you are not the only one struggling with weight issues and you see that others are going through the same, it's that mutual understanding that becomes comforting.  I am speaking of my meetings I attend every Tuesday evening at Weight Watchers.  I see all walks of life from very young to elderly dealing with the lifelong struggle of being overweight.  Sharing our stories, triumphs, recipes, and giving encouragement to eachother. 

After all my years of being obese since I was a young girl  and attending these meetings where I never opened up my mouth to speak, I am in a different place now.  I am talking about maturity, spiritually, "been there done that", and have had major weightloss success.  I see things in a different light.  Now gaining control of my life, my thoughts, my feelings, handling stress, it seems that things can be done, I can accomplish what I want to. And it sure does help when you realize that beating yourself up each and everytime something doesn't go your way, you dust yourself off and keep on keeping on.

BUT....... here is some food for thought.  When is Enough ever enough?  What I mean by this is, a lot of us go into a situation for example, determining to lose weight.  Are our ideas of what we want the outcome to be is so unrealistic that we are just setting ourselves up for disappointment.  It is always advised to set a realistic goal.  Something you know that you will be able to reach.  But the main goal here is to be healthy and happy with who we are and how we see ourselves.  We all have this distorted view of what we think we are supposed to look like not realizing that it is not for everyone.  When do we realize that we are enough and don't have to strive to be something we are not nor could ever be.  For example, the movie stars or Supermodels. 

If the thoughts in our head are always telling us we are not good enough, deserving enough because we don't look like those FAKE people on television then we will never be happy.  How the hell do we know they are happy!!!!!  We say well if we looked like them then........ Or if I had their money I would do this and that.   It all boils down to being happy with ourselves.  Understanding that we are enough.   Believing in yourself and realizing that we are in control of our own happiness. 

Some of us go through our whole lives doing our best to live the way others think we should live, look like, or fit this mold that if you look like this you are loved and accepted.  If you don't then you aren't good enough. and never will be.  Those people who put this type of judgement on others do not realize how they may have created this self sabotaging monster who will live their lives reaching for something that can never be.  Thus, the crippling and self-inflicted reality that enough is never enough.  Then begins the abuse of food, cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, etc. 

As much as we can blame others for our behavior and at times it is so damn easy to do,  we really need to look within ourselves and understand why we have let others opinions of us control our thinking and way of life.  Do we think so little of ourselves that the only way to deal with things is by abusing  those things which I have just listed above?  Do they really comfort us and make us feel so much better?  HELL NOOOOOO!!!

These so called addictions are what we have used as our crutch and our excuses to take away the pain, the stresses and sadness of life.   It is time to say to ourselves that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! We are enough we are worthy of all the goodness that life has to offer.  We are deserving of being happy, healthy and appreciating all the beautiful people around us who help to make us better individuals.  We live and learn and in the end it is enough. It always has been.