Shedding my skin

I had this thought in my head today about what the title of my next blog would be.  The first thing that came to mind was this feeling of wanting to shed my skin.  The idea of peeling off the outer layer of skin that you see when you look in the mirror.  Of what everyone sees when they look at you.  Knowing full aware that you are so desperately needing to break out of that cocoon you have been in for so long, way too long.

That is exactly how I am feeling.  I have been dressed in this way for a ridiculous amount of years and long to find my true self.  That person who knows she can stand on her own two feet and know that feeling of independence, freedom and confidence that she has so longed for. 

I have hidden myself from myself and the world since as long as I can remember.  Never truly feeling comfortable with this body.  Never feeling I was worth all that life had to offer. Never allowing myself to truly feel anything.  I had always been the type that if everyone around me was okay, then I was okay.  I would just muddle along.  I made sure that if everyone was happy then I was as well.  Even though I really wasn't.  But I would put myself on the back burner.  After many years of doing this, it has taken it's toll on me.

I have this visual that I am waking out of bed, standing up and "unzipping" this outer layer.  Finally saying and realizing I must now start to begin my life.  The life I really and truly want to live. Stepping out of the OLD ME and exposing myself to this world, this new mindset.  I can only imagine this extremely bright light that illuminates my whole bedroom and penetrates through the blinds on my window.  Whereby, someone on the outside can see the massive ray of light shooting right up to the sky.

I can only explain the "Shedding my skin" as a new beginning for me.  Peeling the outer layers that I have let continue to mount on top of me for many years.  A release of my past.  A metamorphosis, a change like no other.  A magical experience that in some ways has always been within me but I never found the inner strength, self confidence and love for myself that I am feeling now.  I have my moments believe me.  Where those "strengths" are not prominent in my mind and heart. But I know deep down that for me anything is possible.   It's a matter of creating the life I love and enjoy living each day.  It is being able to find the beauty in everything and in everyone. Especially myself.

Are we able to create our future? **OR** Do you want to know your future and what lies ahead?

Are we able to create our future in such a way that we will be able to have things already planned out?  If we start creating and imagining these thoughts in our head that we know can guide us in the direction we want to go, is it possible?  As that saying goes " Who knows what the future holds", it makes me wonder if there is a way to gain that control so we know what can exist for us.

In this day, we all try to plan for our future in such a way that we start or already have been for a while, putting away money.  Making some investments that are long term so we can only hope they pay out for us in the end.  The end meaning at that time of retirement.  That time of actually being able to enjoy life.  No schedules to follow, no alarms ringing at 5:20 every morning and no deadlines to meet.  Ahhhh, sounds like heaven to me.  I am sure for you as well.

As I get older I am telling myself to start putting some money away from each paycheck.  Stop buying the unnecessary items that I really don't need.  Start saving for my son's future.  College fund, car fund, and whatever else he made need.  It is so hard to regimented to the fact that before I know it my son will be 18, graduating from High School and then what.  Of course, my main goal for him is to want to strive and be the best he can be.  Go to College and get those degrees for which he knows he can achieve.

I have mixed emotions about either wanting to know and being able to create my future and the unknown.  Putting it all in God's Hands.  I think it's less stressful to not know what lies ahead and just taking it all in one day at a time.  As each new day comes, it is filled with lots of new experiences, lessons to be learned, and some for which we know that day is over and let's move on. 

This is such a very broad topic that can go in so many different angles.  The initial question posed, " Are we able to create our future?" can be rephrased in a lot of ways.  As you see I have added or posed the question in a different way.  I guess it all depends on the person and how they interpret it.  Sometimes I just get to thinking about these particular questions and want to put it out there for all of you to internalize and really think about how you feel.

I would really love for all of you who are reading this blog to let me know your thoughts, feelings and really being able to answer in your own heart of hearts the main question above.  Because, we have to look at it in all aspects, the good and the bad.  Do we want to know when our last day on earth is going to be?  If, as we get older we are inflicted with some disease whether it be life threatening or many years of treatments and medical care, do we really want to know that is what the future holds for us?  It can be very scary when you really think about it.

I have taken this particular blog all over and rightfully so, due to the fact these questions have an infinite amount of answers.  Or for some it can be cut and dry.  Please go ahead and share.  Your comments are very helpful to me and can maybe create another topic for discussion.  Let's be a part of this together!!