Me Being Me

I make no excuses, I am who I am. It's just me being me. I see myself now when I look at pictures, my face shows someone who is genuinely happy.  I really like being in pictures.  God, it took sometime for that to happen.  I remember when I was heavier I would be the one always taking the pictures.  Of course never wanting anyone to even think of getting me in one.  The thought of looking at myself and seeing what I really look like was just crushing.  I would be so disgusted.  I'd say, that is what I look like? Oh god!!  Then I'd get even more depressed and want to eat to comfort me and my sorrow. 

I was at a party the other night and one way that I expressed myself was by dancing.  What a wonderful way to let go of my inhibitions.  In addition, it really is great exercise.  I have noticed a pattern.  When I feel happy and good about myself, I just get up there and become free.  Who cares who's watching me. I feel wonderful, I am happy of where I am in my life. It's just a whole other level of your mindset.  You know your trying to make your life the best it can be. I am watching what I eat, exercising, a new attitude, new outlook on life and an extremely important detail, therapy.

I just love that I am in control of these areas in my life. Or at least for the most part. It is such a wonderful thing.  It has taken such a long time to get to this point.  I find that as I express myself here on my blogs I am reaching out to others and people are really liking what I have to say.  I am rekindling friendships and finding new ones. How awesome is that!  It reminds me of  the " Law of Attraction".  Positivity is infectious and I am putting it out there.  It is coming back to me in so many ways.

My life seems to be so much more fulfilling.  I know it will only get better.  I am not afraid to tell people that I love them. The people who matter to me the most need to know how I feel.  I need to be true to myself and to those who I care about.  I love to connect to people on a deeper level.  Make that true connection.  Touching their hearts and making an everlasting impression.  That doesn't happen very often. But when it does I know those are the special people in my life that will always be with me. It is just me being me.

Mental wellness is KEY for me

I decided to write about how mental wellness is such a vital key for me to have a truly happy existence.  I have realized when you breakdown the things that have happened in the past.  Things said, done, actions taken, I am human and for some reason I need to be constantly reminded of that.{Thank you to that person} I am forever grateful.

It is amazing too how once you are in a better mental state you are able to handle every stresses so much better.  I am still shocked how my use of food to comfort me is so much better under control now.  This same person told me that once I handled my stress better that I would get in control of my eating. That just blew me away.  Could it be such a simple yet complex concept? Well, when you are right you are right!

Although, I sometimes strive for perfection, I need to realize if I don't that is okay too.
Since seeking help and guidance to achieve that state of mental wellness, I feel that I am a much better person inside and out with a new outlook on life.  I try to approach things differently.  I am not nearly close to saying that I am completely mentally healed. That may take my whole lifetime. You never know.  But I am definitely heading in the right direction. 

Some people may say that seeking help is admitting there is something wrong and shows how weak you are.  I think it is the complete opposite.  Seeking help takes a very strong person willing to allow a stranger to listen to all you have to say.  Emotions shared and vulnerability shown.  Obviously something is not right in your life that just may need a little tweaking.  Or so much has built up for so many years it makes you wonder where you begin.   How far back do you go to explain how you got to this point in your life?

I think it all boils down to realizing that in order to make the most out of our lives for as long as we are on this earth we must decide how we want to live our lives.  I know that I have a lot to give, a lot to share and want to be able to express it.  My blog is one of my ways of doing that.  No one is perfect and  for me to be able to share my imperfections here is a wonderful way to aspire to that state of mental wellness.

BELIEVE IN YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!

I purposely put the title of my blog today all in caps.  These words have come to me 2 days in a row by two different people all sending out the same message to me.  It is funny how life works.  I wonder if it is the Law of Attraction.  I am putting myself out there with all the positive energy I have within me.  And somehow a message keeps coming to me "BELIEVE IN YOURSELF". 

This one person who said it to me yesterday is an acquaintance business related and the other was today after I had just finished Jillian Michaels "CardioKickboxing". Her message at the end explained that you need to believe in yourself and anything is possible.  "NEVER say I CAN'T you say I CAN".  It was a really powerful message.  Mind you, I have done this video of hers before in the past but never paid attention to this part.  By the way she really can kick some butt with those workouts of hers. They sure do make you sweat.

Gee, I really think someone is trying to tell me something here.  It has taken me a very long time to get to this point in my life where I am actually taking care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally and eventually I would like to explore spiritually. 

Believing in yourself I feel could possibly be the ultimate foundation of our strength as individuals.  It is the root for which all things have the ability to grow.  The seed has been planted and my root has begun to sprout.  I am creating a new life within me where I realize that my strength as a woman will envelope me and carry me to heights I could of never imagined.

I BELIEVE IN MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!! What a profound discovery! I never thought I could ever say that. It took 40 years but all good things come to those who wait.

Sometimes life's experiences take us off our path

Our main focus may take a detour and lead us in another direction.  A direction that really doesn't play a positive role in our lives.  It can definitely be a learning experience without a doubt.  I am all about living and learning.  Whether it be a positive or negative one. 

This is all part of learning about who you are as person in this world.  How you show others what type of person you really are.  Things happen for a reason.  People come into your life for a reason.  It all depends on how you handle it.  I have learned you have to be true to who you are.  What is very important that plays a crucial role is to be able to express yourself.  Allowing yourself to be open to others.  That part I am getting better at.

At this time in my life I see a whole new path that has been layed out for me. I know that as I take it, this new journey has endless possibilities.  I see a bright open road with nothing but beautiful colors and a world that awaits me.

We strive to be the best we can be

Sometimes when we do, we look for that support and encouragement from others. Just to reassure us.  It is so important too as a woman to let other women know we are there for eachother.  Where ever you get that extra special care from, it just means the world.

I see myself wanting to be the giver and receiver now more than ever.  As much as I need to be told you are doing and awesome job or keep up the good work, I feel the need to say that to others. It makes someone feel so good inside.  Those few words are so HUGE to boost someone's spirits.

Give a compliment to someone.  It will make them smile. Smiling is contagious.  It sure will make a difference to you and the person receiving it :o)

You need to do what makes YOU happy

I have realized that in order to be happy in this world take lots of vitamins. ONLY kidding. Someone just told me to write that. LOL! (This person is poking fun at me!) I come to work every morning with a sandwich baggy filled with all my vitamins and supplements I take. Hey I swear by it.  It helps BIG TIME!

Seriously though,  a birdie once told me that in order to feel good about myself you need to do what makes you happy.  And, don't let anyone stop you from doing it.  MY gosh, I think those words have been embedded in my brain.  Thank god for that birdie.

I had some distorted thought in my mind to put myself last on the list to make happy.  What was wrong with me.  I was so miserable.  Like I was turning into someone I never knew existed before.  It was terrible. I was disgusted with my life around me.  It effected my relationships and marriage.  All I wanted to do was cry.  The feeling of depression is terrible.  That is what I felt I was slipping into. 

Well, after seeking the necessary help to get me out of this miserable, depressing state, I have found that putting my self first on the list to make happy has opened my eyes to so many wonderful things.  First and foremost making sure that I am the healthiest I can be.  Taking time out to exercise, eat healthy and finding time to do things on my own.   The time alone to just go shopping, go for a pedicure or even get on my treadmill is priceless.   I realized that I should not feel guilty like had done so many times before.  The guilt was eating me up inside.  Of course this was self inflicted.  I am very good at that. 

I guess if I can be an example for others and maybe give some hope for others to realize that putting yourself first is top priority and not something to feel guilty about. 

There must be a reason why certain things happen to you at a certain time in your life.  To help you get through life with LOTS of lessons learned.  In the words of my grandmother "LIVE AND LEARN".  Truer words were never spoken.

Being on the straight and narrow is BORING!

Earlier today I wrote for one of my status' on Facebook  "Being on the straight and narrow is boring".  It really is and can be more so at times.  That is the way I felt today.  Need some excitement in my life.  Not sure exactly what but want to feel that adrenaline rush.  The feel of my heart racing through my chest. 


I have been called in the past "Ms. Goodie Two Shoes". B-O-R-I-N-G!!!  That is not such a compliment.  Someone asked me where all this was coming from.  I immediately said "MID LIFE Crisis".  The person who asked me said "You are finding yourself".  I think it is a little of both actually.


So the question remains, How do I handle this?  How do I satisfy that urge to be daring, adventurous and NOT Ms. Goodie Two Shoes?  Hmmmmm, not sure.  As much as I may be all talk sometimes, I want to take action.  First step should be something small.  Not too outside the box for me.  


As I see myself coming out of my shell(my safe place) where I have been for a large majority of my lifetime,  I feel a little less scared now.  That is just the beginning.  I need to make a list of things I have always wanted to do but never had the courage or confidence to do.   I have always played LIFE safe.  Was never daring.  Always cared too much about what other people thought of me.  I am still that way today.  I always want to be OUTSTANDING in other people's eyes. Especially the people that mean the most to me.  I want to be thought highly of.  That will never change.  That is way too important. This won't stop me though.


Okay, so my objective here is to find new things for Laura to experience. To make my life more fulfilling and less boring.  I am so on it.  My determination to change is abundant.  Possibly do a 180 or a 360 degree turn here.  Watch out world !!!!!

My therapy session to myself.

I find myself sometimes thinking about how things have changed for me.  My attitude, my patience, my overall way of thinking.  The only thing I see that has not changed for me completely is my ability to speak up.  Mainly speak up for myself.  I sometimes wonder when that day will come when I just say who gives a F!!!   Just tell it like it is.  Just say what's on my mind.

I have always been afraid of confrontation.. Makes me quite nervous.  Afraid of standing up for myself.  I guess you could say I have always been quite passive.  I would feel that surge of blood flow through my body, my face would get really hot.  Finding it difficult to speak. It is just a weird and uncomfortable feeling.  So, in order to avoid this situation, I would not say anything and and move on.  The problem with that is I would always keep it inside.  That stuff can build up inside and basically cripple you.  Keeping it in is enough to make you explode when you just can't keep it in any longer.

I need to start giving myself pep talks.  Tell myself  "I am strong, I believe in myself and have an opinion and I need to say whatever is on my mind and not hold back."   I need to find this inner strength deep within me and know I am confident and what I say matters.  I think what is key is saying on a constant basis " I believe in myself".  Gee and maybe I will actually start to believe it.  Obviously I do to a certain extent.  I am on here blogging my life and sharing my thoughts.  I am finding my strength from somewhere.  Got to give myself some credit.

I am sure as time goes on I will be at the top of my game.. Until then, this is just one big learning process with a lot of ups and downs.  From that, I am destined  to find my true strengths. Just have to realize if there is some downs happening to learn from it.. It's going to happen. I am human and have to allow myself some room for these types of situations.  I am extremely hard on myself.  To an extent that I lose focus.  I cannot let that happen.  Especially now with my son in my life. I need to set an example for him.

How wonderfully therapeutic it is to be able to write down your feelings.  To see it visually instead of just thinking it.. It is a great way to account for your actions.  To take responsibility for things and make changes.  Changes for the good changes to make myself become a better person.  This is huge. I wonder how many other people have the guts to do this? 

Hey, I am just putting myself out there world!!!!!  That takes some GUTS!