Distorted views of ourselves

Boy, I am living proof of that.  I am finding it very hard at times to accept compliments from others.  I really I have such a distorted view of myself.  Now that I have started losing weight again, my clothes are loser and my face is getting thinner.  Those are all good things. But why can't I realize what other people see.  The overall me. The bright and bubbly Laura. The Laura who is always smiling.  That is some reputation to keep up with constantly people!!!

I would look in the mirror and see something I was not happy with.  I would try to be all chipper.  It was all a front just so people wouldn't ask me what was wrong.  I am good at pretending sometimes. But basically it would show all over my face.

I honestly believe this mindset stems from childhood.  Why didn't I look like the other pretty girls who fit into those designer jeans?  The girls that always hung around with the cute boys.  What the hell would they want to be around me for?  I was young, goofy-looking, four-eyed and fat.  Being made fun of  was terrible.  Kids were cruel!! This did not give me the best self esteem here at all.  I just felt so uncomfortable in my own skin.  Never really knowing where I'd fit in. 

Well well, and now here we are today I'm 40 and I still have issues.  Those distorted views, I am convinced, will never truly go away and it really sucks.  Because with age comes experience and lessons learned,  the only thing different is how you learn to handle it.  Whatever helps you cope with healing mentally you have to do it.  Whether it be therapy or support groups. You will be so glad you did.

It amazes me how something like this can effect so many parts of your life.  Family, friendship, love, your job performance, etc.  Maybe, if it has to take me the next 40 years of my life to conquer this that's okay and I accept the challenge gladly...

Overcome your fears

I had posted this in my Facebook page this morning.  It was a powerful message I was sending out there to myself and others.  As the past months have gone by while I am doing some self discovery,  I have come to realize that are so many fears we create within us that basically CRIPPLE us.  It is so sad.  These fears prevent us from enjoying life.  Every moment we are on this earth is a gift.  Why must we suffocate ourselves to a point that waking up everyday brings nothing but misery.  

Our mind can do some terrible things.  The anxiety and panic makes it impossible to function in a "normal" manner.  It robs us of any enjoyment and pleasure.  I remember at some point even the thought of leaving my house scared me to death.  It felt like the world around me was caving in.  I was going to get sick.  Throw up, massive sweats and I felt scared to death in my own skin.  

Besides whatever stuff was going on in my life at that time I had realized why this was all happening to me.  Even though I thought I was totally losing it, I had watched a video that told me certain foods may be causing this to happen....   Maybe OMG I wasn't losing it, I just had to examine what I was eating and try to notice how I felt.  WELL you know what, it was what I was eating.  GLUTEN and WHEAT foods. CAFFEINE and believe it or not WHITE RICE.  Once I removed all these from my diet I felt so much better.

There are so many factors involved here.  I am just so happy that I had realized what was causing my issues.  Besides the emotional crap that may have been going on in my life at that time it was the foods I was putting in my body too.  I may be going off on a different tangent here but I just want people to realize that what may be happening to them may not be only the stress and emotional factors but may be what you are eating too.

Don't want to discriminate here

I was just reading all my blogs so far that I have written and initially my purpose was to do this because I felt that only women could relate to my topics.  And maybe that is true. But I don't want to discriminate here. Men, I am sure go through their own issues and that is why there are blogs that are specific to men. 

When you turn 40, no matter whether you are male or female there certain issues/problems/concerns that we all experience.  We may choose to deal with them differently. For some, they may just go through life always somehow in control. Not sure if that's always the case.

My main goal here is just to put myself out there in hopes that others can relate.  Life is a constant learning process.  I chose to open up and share my feelings and thoughts and start blogging.  Can't tell you how wonderful it is.

More what?

I have been thinking about the title of my blog and how many different ways it can be interpreted.   When I thought of my title I was thinking about how we question what exactly we want out of life at a certain age.  It is funny how when we were younger we had a set standard of what we would be doing at a particular time.  For example when I was about 15 I remember saying that by 26 I would like to be married and then have like 2-3 children by the time I was in my early 30's.  Well I did get married at 26 but the children part didn't happen until much later.

I would have never have realized that at this age of 40 I would be questioning now where do I want to be in  my life.  I look back on what I have done, accomplished or have not.  I know that I must live my life with no regrets.  I can only see where I am now in my life and know that I have so much more life ahead of me.  Now, how do I take the "bulls by the horn" so to speak and make my life the best it can be?  I guess my "MORE" is making sure that I be the healthiest and happiest I can be.  Happy in my relationships with family, friends and marriage. 

I think as I take this journey moving foward through the second part of my life(meaning the next 40 years),  I want to take a different approach.  And I think  I have already begun in so many ways.  With a new attitude and approach I see that anything is possible.

People come into your life for a reason

I have realized there is a reason why certain people come into your life and at a certain time too.  I have been going through this whole self exploration recently.  Somehow and someway God has guided me and our paths have crossed.  For that I am so thankful.  More than you know.

  

Everyday Challenges

Well I made it through another day. Amen to that.  I find that everyday cannot always go the way you want it to no matter how you try.  So the question remains, How do you handle everyday challenges?  I know the way I used to handle it.  I would eat.  That is what had gotten me into the mess in the 1st place. And boy the pounds were packing on.  It is funny how bad habits never die and always creep back up no matter what. 

Some may think challenges good and bad.  I am thinking along the lines of bad.  But then again I would eat anyway whether good or bad.  I would feel the need to punish myself and self sabotage.  I sure am good at that.  I really can't understand why I would do that but to feel deep down I wasn't worthy or good enough.  I don't know.. These feelings are so deep rooted and have always asked myself, Will I ever change?  Is their a reason for me to change? 

Now that I am a mom to a gorgeous little boy I am finding a reason. Actually many.  I want to set an example for my son that how you live your life and treat others around you is HUGE.  You need to have self worth and be proud of who you are.  Hey, it has taken me this many years to start realizing all this but that is okay. 

Keeping track of my journey

I have decided to start keeping track of my journey by putting together a scrapbook of sorts that will detail in all stages of my transformation.  Both inner and outer.  I started to take pictures of myself and will do so every month around the same time.  This will show me how I am changing overall.  I look foward to seeing the metamorphisis begin.

So many thoughts about how I can improve my life.

I seem to be thinking as each day goes by, how can I keep myself on  a natural high.  Wanting to feel wanted and needed and appreciated by your spouse, significant other or boyfriend is the beginning.  Being able to carry yourself with pride and dignity is not very commom in a lot of women.  I know myself.   I have always had self image issues that stem back from when I was very young.  Unfortunately it has carried out into my adulthood.  Only recently have i discovered my self worth.  I try to remind myself everyday that I am beauiful both inside and out.  I am worthy of a happy and healthy life where my self esteem is HIGH!!!  Although at sometimes it is not so easy to stay on that playing field.