Distorted views of ourselves

Boy, I am living proof of that.  I am finding it very hard at times to accept compliments from others.  I really I have such a distorted view of myself.  Now that I have started losing weight again, my clothes are loser and my face is getting thinner.  Those are all good things. But why can't I realize what other people see.  The overall me. The bright and bubbly Laura. The Laura who is always smiling.  That is some reputation to keep up with constantly people!!!

I would look in the mirror and see something I was not happy with.  I would try to be all chipper.  It was all a front just so people wouldn't ask me what was wrong.  I am good at pretending sometimes. But basically it would show all over my face.

I honestly believe this mindset stems from childhood.  Why didn't I look like the other pretty girls who fit into those designer jeans?  The girls that always hung around with the cute boys.  What the hell would they want to be around me for?  I was young, goofy-looking, four-eyed and fat.  Being made fun of  was terrible.  Kids were cruel!! This did not give me the best self esteem here at all.  I just felt so uncomfortable in my own skin.  Never really knowing where I'd fit in. 

Well well, and now here we are today I'm 40 and I still have issues.  Those distorted views, I am convinced, will never truly go away and it really sucks.  Because with age comes experience and lessons learned,  the only thing different is how you learn to handle it.  Whatever helps you cope with healing mentally you have to do it.  Whether it be therapy or support groups. You will be so glad you did.

It amazes me how something like this can effect so many parts of your life.  Family, friendship, love, your job performance, etc.  Maybe, if it has to take me the next 40 years of my life to conquer this that's okay and I accept the challenge gladly...