Hello World! Here I am, it's me Laura Lockwood!

Now is the best time to being doing this, writing my BLOG!
Hello World! Here I am, Laura Lockwood. That little chubby blond girl who never really fit in.

I wonder if all I went through as a young girl, into my preteens, onto teenage years and onto adulthood was God's way of showing me, teaching me and guiding me to this very point in my life now.  And you know what, honestly, I would not have changed a thing. 

The sadness I endured  when I was younger has brought me here with you today.  I stand before you stripped of all that hatred and anger within myself that left me feeling worthless.  No one would ever love me, let alone ever find that day that I would ever love myself. 

I truly and honestly believe that with all that has happened in the past, it has only helped me.  Some may find this hard to believe.  But I see now what it's all about.  How you take the good times with the bad times and it is all up to us to decide how and what we take from it all. 

I am so grateful today.  Grateful to have met all the loving, kindhearted, special people who have shown me nothing but honest to goodness LOVE.  I have always believed for the most part, people are good.  It may be sometimes a naive way of thinking.  I give people the benefit of the doubt.  That's just me.

I was brought up to care for people, to love them and be there.  Treat others as you would like to be treated.  Whenever possible, lending a helping hand.  Give of yourself and just be there when in need.  Family and friendships are very important and never take them for granted.

LOVE LIFE; LOVE YOURSELF; LOVE OTHERS
Be thankful for all your life's experiences, good and bad.
For they have made you who you are today.

THANK YOU!

What to do with the lemons

Our lives can be so unpredictable and you never know what may show up out of left field.  It's what we do with those curve balls, or lemons I like to call it that, that show our true colors.  Our perseverance to handle life's ups and downs.

To be honest, I see myself getting better in certain areas and then sometimes I can lose it.  I have been doing a lot of reading as far as "Self  Improvement" and reading a lot of different inspirational quotes.  So many of them have such meaning to me.  I am discovering a whole new world that I never realized existed before.  Mainly because I was just wrapped up in my own whirlwind.  A big part of it being, that I hated to read.  I never took the time out to just stop and listen.  Understand and comprehend.  This had always been an issue for me since back in elementary school.  The thought of reading anything was such a chore.

As you get older though, new life's experiences, different people we meet that come into our lives, begin to have a real impact on our way of thinking.  We kind of come into our own, so to speak.  And with that, we start to realize what we see, what we choose to believe, what we stand for and how we treat others.

But you never know, life is not always what we hope for it to be.  As time has gone on, I also realize that we are the creators of our own destiny.  We are in that driver's seat and we are in control.  We shall not blame others for the situations we are in.  I am here today knowing I have steered myself down some wrong paths and some right ones too.  What I have also learned is not to punish myself for those that were not in my best interest.  We cannot be strong all the time, every time in every situation.  How unrealistic to believe this.  The important thing is to learn from our mistakes, and next time think before we proceed.

Then there is the other end of the spectrum where so many of us worry about things for which we have no control over.  This type of behavior can manifest itself into someone who may be down and out, experiencing serious depression and their inner strength may be lost.  How do we show those people and make them understand that need not carry the weight of the world on their shoulders.  So much so that it has completely paralyzed them.  Those lemons which I described above are huge monstrous boulders for them.  They are slowly being crushed and suffocated and feel there is no way out. 

WE must be present in life, knowing we are all children of God and he is in all of us.  We look to him for our strength, we cry to him and pray.  Whether it may be the smallest of the small to the biggest and most grandest of situations.  There has got to be a way for those who are their lowest low to have the ability one day to stand tall and believe they are going to be okay.  And with help and guidance, they can get to that point where they can take those lemons that were thrown at them and know makes some lemonade.  :o)

Be the Change

Be the change you wish to see in this world.~Mahatma Gandhi

What a magnificent quote! Something had moved me from the very first day I saw it. I did not know much about Gandhi and didn't realize what a wonderful man he was promoting peace and leading India to independence.  Officially honored as the "Father of the Nation" in India. He was a Great Man and someone to be truly admired.

It really made me think about how we live our lives and how we are so quick to point fingers of the way things are in this world.  Good, bad or indifferent.  We must realize we have the ability to make a change; to be that change.  It is all within ourselves to make that difference.  We can complain all we want about the things we feel are unjust and unfair, but if we don't find it within ourselves to decide to be a part of making that change, then it is us who contribute to it's continuous existence.

So many of walk through life afraid.  Fearful of so many things, especially change.  Feeding into our fears just creates more and more.  Where we find at one point in life it has completely paralyzed us.  As my father has always said, " change is good".  Of course he was talking to the waiter or waitress at the restaurant when he would pay the bill and they would say, "Do you need change?" or "Would you like change?".  I still crack up to this day when I think about it, not realizing he was sending me a message at a very young age.  Change is GOOD!!!

This world is filled with a lot of bullshit.  Lots of misconceptions, misleading and many times manipulating.  Why feed into it?  We need to make a difference, especially for our children.  Teaching them that anything is possible, dreaming BIG is the only way to dream.  That in order to become the outstanding, loving and respectful citizens of this beautiful universe,  BE THAT CHANGE!!! Make an impact and inspire others.  Find beauty, love and inspiration in all that is around and believe that reaching for the stars is not just something they read in their storybooks when they were kids.  Belief in yourself is the foundation for which reaching for those stars is completely possible.  It will only help to shine their light and make it even brighter.

Forty plus and Fabulous

The title of this just jumped out at me. When you get to this age of 40 plus you kind of feel you have a new lease on life.  A feeling of wanting to do things you had always wanted to do but for some reason made some excuse not to.  Or be adventurous and conquer some fears.  Maybe para sailing or bungee jumping.  Get a tattoo or buy a new outfit that in the past you would have never had the nerve to wear. 

It is all about a new found freedom.  A new sense of self and possibly finding a new path in which to take.  For me it has become a journey of self discovery and spiritualism.  Creating a new self.  A transformation of sorts.  Like the caterpillar turning into the radiant and colorful butterfly.  Spreading her wings and ready to soar taking on the beauty all around her.

You realize that all that has come before are just life's lessons hopefully learned.  Practicing  with mind and heart the ways in which to handle different situations and not to overreact, create a frenzy and most importantly make sure that you don't allow life's challenges and curve balls to overwhelm you.  Overwhelmed into a state of being paralyzed.  Whereby  the enjoyment of the most simplest pleasures becomes non-existent.

Forty plus and Fabulous has been so wonderfully rewarding.  I am proud to tell my age and have people say to me, "Wow you look younger" or someone told me just recently, " You are aging gracefully".  That one was a first.  And I take them all proudly.  Honestly what I want most and I am sure all would agree is to be happy, healthy and be on that path of life where we are learning and growing.  Working at each and everyday to be the best we can be.  Never taking life for granted and being blessed for all that we are and what we are yet to become.

MID LIFE CRISIS OR EXTREME CURIOUSITY?

Do you ever feel like you are kind of lost in this world?  Or you get to a certain age and you look at where you have been, how far you have come and that there is so much more still out there yet to see, experience and be.  Am I in a "MID LIFE Crisis"?  I am at a point in my life where I feel myself constantly questioning things.  I had posed this question on my status post on Facebook.  With the intentions of reaching out to other ladies who are 40+ and just seeing if anyone else has experienced this.

I got one person's feedback so far.  Someone who understood similarly.  It seems we search through out our whole lives wondering can I be happy, do I want more, have I done enough, what else is out there for me.  So many things that at times will make yourself go crazy.   Where you really feel like you are going to lose it.

Each and everyone of us has stress in our lives and of course the main thing is how we deal with it.  How can we stay in control and not lose our mind with work, family, relationships, children, etc.?  The pressures of life can overwhelm any of us in a major way.  It takes a lifetime of learning how to deal with these stresses the best way we know how.

I am the type of person who at times can be a little out of control, I overact, and become very emotional.  Then I begin to over analyze, or let my emotions get the best of me..  Which then would lead to thinking, well maybe I deserve it.  Self-sabotage kicks in and then of course the main addiction of mine, FOOD!!!!  It is a vicious cycle which I have tried so damn hard to control.  I feel I have been doing so well staying in control. Knowing what I should and should not be doing.  And that is calming myself down, getting my head straight and not running to the refrigerator to shove something in my mouth to calm myself down.

Life can be so stifling at times.  But of course life is what we make of it.  It is how we control and handle everything that comes our way.  Being strong, confident, self-assured and self-worthy of all of life's goodness does help in the task at hand.  Then they are moments of weakness.  How can we be strong all the time? Reaching out for someone who you can talk to and share your thoughts and feelings is so important.  Some of us are lucky and blessed to have those people in our lives.  Which makes it all the more sweeter.

I just shake my head sometimes and wonder what the hell is going on.  What mistakes have I made?  Were those mistakes made for a reason to learn from them?  To become a better person? To grow and move on from it in hopes that those mistakes won't be made again?  Constantly questioning things, situations, people, can make you go a little stir crazy.  Honestly, the feeling of running away and getting away from it all sounds so appealing at times.  But then reality sets in really quick and you must deal with it and not run away.  Isn't that the "chicken" way out of it?  Nothing was ever solved from running away in hopes it would disappear on it's own.

I am adult now.  A 41 year old woman with a family and responsibilities.  But at times I kind of wish I was a kid again.  Not that it would make anything better, just that the realities of life as an adult can really stink.  And then when you get to that age of "MID LIFE", either in your 40's or 50's, you can't help but look at the whole picture and say what if.  That saying which I hear so quite often " The grass isn't always greener on the other side", is so true at times but you really can't help to think that if you never take that leap, how will you ever know.  You take your chances going into with full knowledge, good or bad you made that decision and you deal with it as such.  No regrets!!! Only LIVE AND LEARN!!!!

Am I really beautiful after all?

Mirror Mirror on the wall, what do I really see after all?  Is my beauty only seen and felt when I don't feel like a fat ugly monster?  Is that what I have told myself so many times in the past, that I would convince myself I wasn't worth a "hill of beans"?  The lies I would continue to tell myself so I would believe it was actually true.

Was it the outer beauty that would only make me feel worthy of anything, a conversation with someone, or any interest of what I had to say.  This is how bad it can be, that I would create in my mind.  It is what a lot of girls do especially at a very young age when they are most vulnerable and easy influenced.  Where feeling popular or "fitting in" is what young girls think is most important.  It is unfortunate that this distorted way of thinking carries out into adulthood.  But later on in life we get smarter or at least some do. We realize that if others don't like us for who we really are inside, it is completely their loss.  They are not worth our time.

There is no doubt in my mind, this type of behavior and way of thinking stems from earlier on in life.  I know that some of my past blogs had focused on the feelings of low self esteem, lack of self worth, which indeed I do believe comes from childhood.  And that it carries through into adulthood.  Some of us find ourselves in therapy,  dealing with all these issues and emotions we felt when in grammar school, junior high school and then into high school.   Our past and dealing with family issues.  It can paralyze us so badly.  It affects relationships with our families, friends and our love relationships. 

A woman at times will always find something, some flaw, some imperfection that stands in the way of what she actually is.  A beautiful feminine being.   Will I only feel that I am beautiful if I lose the amount of weight that I think makes me look beautiful?  How stupid is that??? What the hell is wrong with me!!?? What about the type of person I am?  What about what is in my heart and how I love?  Isn't that enough?  The desire in which to make others feel loved and feel special.  To know that I have made someone smile, made them laugh, made them understand they are a blessing in my life.  That is what true beauty is all about.  It's my spirit and letting my light shine brightly.  It's making an impact, inspiring others and being inspired.

It is about time I realize that I am really beautiful after all. 

Is Enough ever Enough

When you realize that you are not the only one struggling with weight issues and you see that others are going through the same, it's that mutual understanding that becomes comforting.  I am speaking of my meetings I attend every Tuesday evening at Weight Watchers.  I see all walks of life from very young to elderly dealing with the lifelong struggle of being overweight.  Sharing our stories, triumphs, recipes, and giving encouragement to eachother. 

After all my years of being obese since I was a young girl  and attending these meetings where I never opened up my mouth to speak, I am in a different place now.  I am talking about maturity, spiritually, "been there done that", and have had major weightloss success.  I see things in a different light.  Now gaining control of my life, my thoughts, my feelings, handling stress, it seems that things can be done, I can accomplish what I want to. And it sure does help when you realize that beating yourself up each and everytime something doesn't go your way, you dust yourself off and keep on keeping on.

BUT....... here is some food for thought.  When is Enough ever enough?  What I mean by this is, a lot of us go into a situation for example, determining to lose weight.  Are our ideas of what we want the outcome to be is so unrealistic that we are just setting ourselves up for disappointment.  It is always advised to set a realistic goal.  Something you know that you will be able to reach.  But the main goal here is to be healthy and happy with who we are and how we see ourselves.  We all have this distorted view of what we think we are supposed to look like not realizing that it is not for everyone.  When do we realize that we are enough and don't have to strive to be something we are not nor could ever be.  For example, the movie stars or Supermodels. 

If the thoughts in our head are always telling us we are not good enough, deserving enough because we don't look like those FAKE people on television then we will never be happy.  How the hell do we know they are happy!!!!!  We say well if we looked like them then........ Or if I had their money I would do this and that.   It all boils down to being happy with ourselves.  Understanding that we are enough.   Believing in yourself and realizing that we are in control of our own happiness. 

Some of us go through our whole lives doing our best to live the way others think we should live, look like, or fit this mold that if you look like this you are loved and accepted.  If you don't then you aren't good enough. and never will be.  Those people who put this type of judgement on others do not realize how they may have created this self sabotaging monster who will live their lives reaching for something that can never be.  Thus, the crippling and self-inflicted reality that enough is never enough.  Then begins the abuse of food, cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, etc. 

As much as we can blame others for our behavior and at times it is so damn easy to do,  we really need to look within ourselves and understand why we have let others opinions of us control our thinking and way of life.  Do we think so little of ourselves that the only way to deal with things is by abusing  those things which I have just listed above?  Do they really comfort us and make us feel so much better?  HELL NOOOOOO!!!

These so called addictions are what we have used as our crutch and our excuses to take away the pain, the stresses and sadness of life.   It is time to say to ourselves that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! We are enough we are worthy of all the goodness that life has to offer.  We are deserving of being happy, healthy and appreciating all the beautiful people around us who help to make us better individuals.  We live and learn and in the end it is enough. It always has been.

Believing you're worth your weight in Self Love

Okay, here I am after not writing for sometime now.  Kind of unsure yet so needed.  I have been going through so many different things in my life and finding that I am in need and want of expressing it all here.

It is quite amazing all the beautiful souls that I have met along my journey.  Each person being such a bright light in my life.  This journey of creating myself not only one of self discovery.

I started this blog because I had seen so many changes in myself once I had turned 40.  This time in my life that is  what I would call a time of "renewal" or a "rebirth" of sorts.  Finding out about me, finding that still after all these years, I still deal with issues that had haunted me as a child.  Issues with weight, lack of confidence and self worth.  It is amazing how these "things" you never seem to outgrow until you realize that carrying this within you only makes you an adult who doesn't think much of yourself.

Very sad.  I look back and see that if I could talk to myself as that young girl, I would tell her that she is a beautiful angel filled with so much joy and happiness.  With so much love and potential.  That she is worth believing in and worth her weight in Self Love.  As a child the last thing on our minds is how we feel about ourselves.  It's about what others think of us.  And that if you are called names while in grammar or junior high school, that is all you see when you look in that mirror.  There begins the self hatred, self loathing, lack of confidence and self worth.

Honestly, to this day I remember so vividly the name calling I endured.  Four eyes, fat, buffalo butt, etc.  Those words to this day still bother me.  I also recall how mortified I was when waiting on line in the cafeteria, hoping that the kid or kids behind me wouldn't have a field day making fun of me for what I was wearing, looked like or whatever.  It was so upsetting.  Of course then after school, the first thing I wanted to do was eat.  Junk food of course.  Ahhh, the comforts of food.  It made me feel so much better.  Temporarily of course.  But as a kid you don't realize the destruction you create within yourself by feeding into your emotions, the name calling and all the other bullshit that comes with it.

SELF LOVE!!!! It's what it's all about!!!! With that you are able to stand strong.  Believing that anything is possible.  Believing in yourself and all your potential.  Doing things that you had only dreamed about but never thought it could be your reality.  Now being who I am still with many childhood issues, I want to tell that young, vibrant, pretty girl with glasses, that she is worth it.  That when she gets older she will find her way.  That no matter what it's all about staying strong,  staying true to your beliefs, loving yourself and knowing that all good things come to those who believe they are worth  their weight in SELF LOVE!!!!!

GOING TO RISE ABOVE

Last week I had a written a blog called "Where's my flow" and as I was writing it a lot of emotion came out.  Anger, sadness, depression, unhappiness, etc.  It was what I had been feeling and had taken me down, way down.  It honestly was scaring the shit out of me.  I was allowing all this negativity to swarm in on me like a massive crowd of bees.  Ready for the attack.  Ready to make me want to run and hide and crawl under something for protection. 

Well this blog touched some family and friends.  And they reached out to me.  Sometimes when you get into a rut in life you are ashamed of what you are allowing yourself to become.  That something which you are actually not, but somehow it snuck up and blew up.  Let alone you are not going to share your sadness and every other emotion with others for the sake of  being embarrassed or feeling inadequate. 

I found that letting others in and listening, really listening to their loving words, their hand reaching out to help in anyway, really is quite special.  And sometimes you just need that someone to light that firecracker underneath your butt to make you realize what's important.  To realize that I am important.  I deserve to be happy and healthy.  I am beautiful inside and out.  I deserve to make myself be my own priority.  There is no selfishness for wanting to look, feel and be the best you can be.  Sometimes and we all have at one time or another, put ourselves on the back burner.  To find in the end we are living quite miserably.  Until we decide to make that change.  Decide to BELIEVE in ourselves and all that we are capable of.

I am Going to Rise Above.  I am on this path which will have some bumps in the road along the way.  But with these detours, comes great learning experiences from it all.  One of them is accepting it and that nothing is perfect.  It may not be a "HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY" journey all the time.  Learning to be able to work with it, understand the reasoning behind it, and grow from it.  AND!!! Share those experiences with others so they may find comfort in knowing they are not alone. 

My Affirmation:
I am a strong, secure and confident woman who is capable of doing anything I set my mind to.

Where's my flow?

Where is my flow? Where the hell did it go? I am sitting here at my computer tonight thinking I have a lot going on inside of me.  Lots of emotions and they need to come out.  Need to be purged from my body in order for me to do some healing. 

I just feel such sadness, anger, hate and disgust.  All these just built one right on top of another and all about myself.  To a point that I cannot stop crying.  A portion may have to do with my hormones running a muck.  But I am feeling so not myself.  So mixed up and so frazzled.  My mind is in a fog and I am sitting here wondering if soon I will be gain some clarity.

I hate feeling like this.  There is that word again "hate".  So strong and mean and why am I putting that on myself.  Do I really hate myself?  Really I don't but then again I have those temporary moments, those quick flash before your eyes moments that just seem to keep reappearing.  Sickening, isn't it?   What is wrong with me and why do I feel so repulsed at times?  I am letting those demons in who don't belong anywhere near me. 

Do I enjoy punishing myself, sabotaging myself and finding a twisted pleasure in being unhappy? That will then give me the excuse to shove food in my mouth.. That will justify all the overeating I do to comfort me?  Yes.  But realistically NO!!!! It just creates and adds on to the sadness. Food does not give me a warm sweet hug that I would receive from a loved one.  It does not hold my hand and tell me everything will be alright.  It doesn't tell me it loves me and that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to.

So where did I get this crazy idea that food was my comfort.  Make me feel at ease and make me all better.  What the hell was I thinking?????? I have been addicted to food since I was a little girl.  Look at me now.  Struggling with my weight on a daily basis.  Starting off my day making the right choices and by the end of day giving up and binging on the comforting friend I call food.  How pathetic!!!!

I am so stuck in this rutt that I cannot seem to dig myself out find my flow.   Obviously I am not working or making the attempt hard enough to really and truly want to make the necessary changes to better myself and change my attitude.  And it SUCKS!!!!   Where the hell did my flow go??? I may have shoved it under the rug thinking I am good.  I can control this.  Yeah, sure.   Anyone whoever tells you got it and that it's all good.   DON'T BELIEVE THEM!!!!! It's a lie.  Words spoken to get others off our back and a great way to avoid the inevitable.

So, now what?  Where do I go from here??? It's a NEW YEAR!!! With new possibilities and new beginnings.  Anything is possible and all at the tip of my fingers.  With the sparkle in my eye and the blood flowing through out my body.   Thankful to be alive.  Waking up everyday knowing it's going to be a great one.  Allowing myself to be open to the universe to listen to my positive reinforcement.  Putting myself out there and see all that comes in return.  I have seen it happen and I know it is possible.  I have welcomed it in wholeheartedly.  And used it as my guide for inner strength, for believing that anything and everything  has purpose.  A reason for existing, teaching, growing, sharing and most of all being.

With all these emotions and allowing myself to feel, acknowledge and let go of them,  it shows me that I am very strong, beautiful, significant, amazing, spiritual,  a being of love and light. 

So now I gotta put my money where my mouth is.  Get off the sob-wagon and hop on the HAPPY TRAIN where all you see are the most beautiful smiling faces.  Where you can't help but want to put on the biggest grin you ever have and let it flow right into your heart.  You all think I m losing it by now.  I swear I m not under the influence of drugs or alcohol.  Just a mind and heart that is tired of crying and feeling sorry for myself.  Punishing myself for what?  Just to constantly store misery.  It sure loves company.  I don't want any!!!!  I think this is about the fifth or sixth time I have cried today and I am finishing up this blog.  I am so done and ready to find my flow.....