Am I really beautiful after all?

Mirror Mirror on the wall, what do I really see after all?  Is my beauty only seen and felt when I don't feel like a fat ugly monster?  Is that what I have told myself so many times in the past, that I would convince myself I wasn't worth a "hill of beans"?  The lies I would continue to tell myself so I would believe it was actually true.

Was it the outer beauty that would only make me feel worthy of anything, a conversation with someone, or any interest of what I had to say.  This is how bad it can be, that I would create in my mind.  It is what a lot of girls do especially at a very young age when they are most vulnerable and easy influenced.  Where feeling popular or "fitting in" is what young girls think is most important.  It is unfortunate that this distorted way of thinking carries out into adulthood.  But later on in life we get smarter or at least some do. We realize that if others don't like us for who we really are inside, it is completely their loss.  They are not worth our time.

There is no doubt in my mind, this type of behavior and way of thinking stems from earlier on in life.  I know that some of my past blogs had focused on the feelings of low self esteem, lack of self worth, which indeed I do believe comes from childhood.  And that it carries through into adulthood.  Some of us find ourselves in therapy,  dealing with all these issues and emotions we felt when in grammar school, junior high school and then into high school.   Our past and dealing with family issues.  It can paralyze us so badly.  It affects relationships with our families, friends and our love relationships. 

A woman at times will always find something, some flaw, some imperfection that stands in the way of what she actually is.  A beautiful feminine being.   Will I only feel that I am beautiful if I lose the amount of weight that I think makes me look beautiful?  How stupid is that??? What the hell is wrong with me!!?? What about the type of person I am?  What about what is in my heart and how I love?  Isn't that enough?  The desire in which to make others feel loved and feel special.  To know that I have made someone smile, made them laugh, made them understand they are a blessing in my life.  That is what true beauty is all about.  It's my spirit and letting my light shine brightly.  It's making an impact, inspiring others and being inspired.

It is about time I realize that I am really beautiful after all.