Where's my flow?

Where is my flow? Where the hell did it go? I am sitting here at my computer tonight thinking I have a lot going on inside of me.  Lots of emotions and they need to come out.  Need to be purged from my body in order for me to do some healing. 

I just feel such sadness, anger, hate and disgust.  All these just built one right on top of another and all about myself.  To a point that I cannot stop crying.  A portion may have to do with my hormones running a muck.  But I am feeling so not myself.  So mixed up and so frazzled.  My mind is in a fog and I am sitting here wondering if soon I will be gain some clarity.

I hate feeling like this.  There is that word again "hate".  So strong and mean and why am I putting that on myself.  Do I really hate myself?  Really I don't but then again I have those temporary moments, those quick flash before your eyes moments that just seem to keep reappearing.  Sickening, isn't it?   What is wrong with me and why do I feel so repulsed at times?  I am letting those demons in who don't belong anywhere near me. 

Do I enjoy punishing myself, sabotaging myself and finding a twisted pleasure in being unhappy? That will then give me the excuse to shove food in my mouth.. That will justify all the overeating I do to comfort me?  Yes.  But realistically NO!!!! It just creates and adds on to the sadness. Food does not give me a warm sweet hug that I would receive from a loved one.  It does not hold my hand and tell me everything will be alright.  It doesn't tell me it loves me and that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to.

So where did I get this crazy idea that food was my comfort.  Make me feel at ease and make me all better.  What the hell was I thinking?????? I have been addicted to food since I was a little girl.  Look at me now.  Struggling with my weight on a daily basis.  Starting off my day making the right choices and by the end of day giving up and binging on the comforting friend I call food.  How pathetic!!!!

I am so stuck in this rutt that I cannot seem to dig myself out find my flow.   Obviously I am not working or making the attempt hard enough to really and truly want to make the necessary changes to better myself and change my attitude.  And it SUCKS!!!!   Where the hell did my flow go??? I may have shoved it under the rug thinking I am good.  I can control this.  Yeah, sure.   Anyone whoever tells you got it and that it's all good.   DON'T BELIEVE THEM!!!!! It's a lie.  Words spoken to get others off our back and a great way to avoid the inevitable.

So, now what?  Where do I go from here??? It's a NEW YEAR!!! With new possibilities and new beginnings.  Anything is possible and all at the tip of my fingers.  With the sparkle in my eye and the blood flowing through out my body.   Thankful to be alive.  Waking up everyday knowing it's going to be a great one.  Allowing myself to be open to the universe to listen to my positive reinforcement.  Putting myself out there and see all that comes in return.  I have seen it happen and I know it is possible.  I have welcomed it in wholeheartedly.  And used it as my guide for inner strength, for believing that anything and everything  has purpose.  A reason for existing, teaching, growing, sharing and most of all being.

With all these emotions and allowing myself to feel, acknowledge and let go of them,  it shows me that I am very strong, beautiful, significant, amazing, spiritual,  a being of love and light. 

So now I gotta put my money where my mouth is.  Get off the sob-wagon and hop on the HAPPY TRAIN where all you see are the most beautiful smiling faces.  Where you can't help but want to put on the biggest grin you ever have and let it flow right into your heart.  You all think I m losing it by now.  I swear I m not under the influence of drugs or alcohol.  Just a mind and heart that is tired of crying and feeling sorry for myself.  Punishing myself for what?  Just to constantly store misery.  It sure loves company.  I don't want any!!!!  I think this is about the fifth or sixth time I have cried today and I am finishing up this blog.  I am so done and ready to find my flow.....