Self Sabotage, When will it stop???

This is a very sensitive subject for me to discuss.  But I feel the need to do so at this time.  I have gone through these feelings of self sabotage numerous times in my life.  I can see that it rears it's ugly head when I am under a lot of stress. 

I know when it is coming and I know when I am doing it.  I know that it will only become much more stonger of a force if I allow it to do so.  Allow it to completely take over me.  The way I self sabotage myself is by eating.  Unfortunately, eating is my drug.  My addiction.  I cannot believe I am sharing all of this with you.. But I only hope that as I continue writing this blog it will only help me to see the light.  That I am choosing to allow this negative energy, this negative impulse take over me. 

By eating in excess, eating foods that I should not even be putting in my mouth let alone having the nerve to chew and swallow, I continue to do so.  After all is said and done, I look in the mirror asking myself what I just did and was it worth that temporary fix.  That moment of pleasure and relaxation.  Food is my addiction.  My drug of choice and it completely sucks.

At times I hate myself for it.  Asking myself why? Why do I allow myself to intake this poison? These foods that I know damn well are not good for me and can make me sick.  Do I like punishing myself?  Making myself feel and look ugly?

Many of you may think after reading this particular blog, that I need to go into intensive therapy.  And you are probably right.  I have some real issues here that never left me after so many years.  So many years of being overwweight.  So many years of being unhappy with myself, inside and out.  It all stems from low self esteem, lack of self confidence and lack of self love.  Which I thought I had found.  I know I have.  Sometimes these feelings of self doubt and whatever else you want to call it are stronger.  Because I allow it.  I am in control of every action and every reaction.  For the most part anyway.  It makes me wonder about myself. 

I have a lot of soul searching to do yet.  Lots of learning to do about myself.  I know I have come a long way.  And I know what I am capable of doing and not doing.  I know I have will power, determination and inner strength.  I need to find it again. Tap into my positive energy which I know is there. 

I can only hope by me opening up like I have can make someone else who is reading this and can relate to what I have been going through, know you are not alone.  We are in this together.  We all have the ability to rid ourselves of these demons that prefer to stay within us if we choose to allow them to be.  I so desperately want to be rid of them.  I cannot stand to see myself continually self sabotage.  By eating and gaining weight, feeling unhappy with how I look and unhappy with myself period.

I am a soon to be 41 year old woman.  I have half of my life yet to live.  When will it stop?

When I say out loud,  NO MORE!!!